Published August 18, 2006
It was all an economy of thin.
Ginger leaves sway, crisp and bitter, as they give
death wishes to pipe dreams, let them flitter out to the horizon
and forever leave me – broken to dust and ashes,
I, to grind and grit across your body on the tiled floor.
It may marvel the senses, but you having thrown the glassy world apart,
having brushed my dreary mayflies from my windowsill,
you had chased away every firecracker aftertaste until I
crackled in the fire after every taste had thus been made.
Embrittle, starved to snapping by erosion –
Why you swept me off my couch, not under rugs, but out the door…
until the wind ripped the last embryo to desert wilderness,
where only squalls dominate your life.
At least I could finally fly.
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141,274 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
This line comfused me.
Other than that, awesome job! I really liked how this poem penetrated into your emotions. You had excellent word choice. You know, I find it hard to crit some of your work because you use such sophisticated language compared to my own! It's amazing what you can do with words...
Great job, gummy, great job!
It was all an economy of thin.
Nice opening. And a great line, even on its own.
and forever leave me – broken to dust and ashes,
I, to grind and grit across your body on the tiled floor.
I love the 'I', it's different, and does something amazing to the flow.
It may marvel the senses, but you having thrown the glassy world apart,
having brushed my dreary mayflies from my windowsill,
you had chased away every firecracker aftertaste until I
crackled in the fire after every taste had thus been made.
The grammar gets a little confusing here, at least to me. I think you should either change 'you' to 'your', or else replace the 'having's with 'had'. Sorry if I'm way off base here. Otherwise, really ingenious wording in the last two lines.
And I agree with David Guinness about 'embrittle'.
The ending seemed a little understated, but perhaps that's the effect you were going for. In any case, amazing poem as always.
I like this! A lot.
Hm...
I've nothing else to say, here.
Good poem, xanthan gum. I don't see any real issues with it. The diction and syntax seem well chosen. I really like some of the word pairings. I think you may want a "d" on "Embrittle"...I think...
Well done.